Saturday, January 16, 2010

To My Patient Reader - Um, I Mean Readers



I know I haven't been updating this blog a lot lately, and I know at least one of you three readers are disappointed. I have been busy, and writer's block* has been plaguing me for months. All I can do is promise you that I will try my best to update this blog more often. And thank you for sticking around.


*I should've said "blogger's block". I don't consider myself a writer.

Friday, January 1, 2010

My Go-To Videos from 2009

Welcome to 2010! I don't know about you, but during a year full of Tea Bagging, townhall knuckleheads, AutoTuned hooks, and more celebrity deaths then I remember experiencing (especially during the summer), I needed a lot of cheering up. Thank God for the Interwebs. And thank God for the people who uploaded the following videos.

The Onion: Sony Releases Stupid Piece of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

This is the video that prompted Wil Weaton ("Wesley Crusher" from Star Trek: The Next Generation) to profess his love for the fake news site: "I love The Onion so much, I want to marry it." Me? I like 'em, but I ain't tryin' to put a ring on 'em.



Funny or Die: Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile

I don't keep up with celebrity gossip as much as a lot of other people, but in 2008, I couldn't turn on the news without hearing some mention of Lindsay Lohan's personal problems. Thankfully, she started 2009 off on the right foot by making fun of herself in this video.



The Rachel Maddow Show: InsaniTea

The next time a Tea Partier accuses you of using "Teabagger" as a derogatory term, remind them that they started it. The following clip will help prove your case.



The Political Carnival's Tweetspot: Sarah the Quitter

GottaLaff, from The Political Carnival Blog, has been doing her readers and Twitter folowers a huge favor: she follows Sarah Palin so we don't have to. Taken from her now-defunct series of radio segments called Tweetspots, She uses Palin's own tweets to make her listeners laugh ("Hence the name... Gotta...") - and she did this before William Shatner. Suck it, Kirk!



Funny or Die: Denise Richards' Funbags

Just... Just watch.



Countdown with Keith Olbermann: Don't Call Me Liz!

I believe this was Olbermann's last "WTF!?!" segment, and that's probably because it was impossible to top.



The Daily Show: The 11/3 Project

As I said before, calling Glenn Beck "batshit crazy" wasn't good enough for Jon Stewart.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The 11/3 Project
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Crisis


BET 2009 Hip-Hop Awards: Cypher #3, featuring Mos Def, Black Thought, and Eminem

2009 was yet another great year for mediocre Hip-Hop. I only watched the 2009 BET Hip-Hop Awards for two reasons: 1) To talk shit about it on Twitter, and 2) to see the "Cypher" segments, since they're usually better than the entire show. This one in particular was probably the best ever. (Black Thought: "Rock-roller, bipolar like Phylis Hyman". Eminem: "I'm a fuckin' cross between Osama, Dahmer, Obama, and Dalai Lama".)


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Life and Times of DJ Calculus, Chapter One: Ambitions



(If you haven't already, you can check out the prologue here.)

I remember it like it was yesterday: when my oldest brother, an avid record collector at the time, came home with a copy of "The Adventures of Grandmaster Flash on the Wheels of Steel". It was one of the first times I had ever heard mixing, and the first time anyone had put out a record with scratching on it. I remember wondering what that sound was, thinking that Flash was intentionally moving the needle across the record (gimmie a break - I was eight years old). It's something I would have never tried, but I was still fascinated with the sound.

Some time later, my mom decided that she could trust me enough with the stereo equipment to actually let me play the records and not "let one of the older kids play it". (You can read about how my mom influenced my love of music here.) Maybe a year after that - I think I was twelve - my brother came home with Herbie Hancock's "Rockit", the song that brought scratching into the mainstream. I still didn't know how the sound was created until I saw Hancock and Grand Mixer D.ST. perform it on Saturday Night Live. My eyes were glued to the TV as D.ST. simply moved the record on the turntable back and forth, and I thought, That's all?!

That's when I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I'm sure I wasn't the only aspiring DJ who used their mom's record player as a learning tool of sorts. She caught me several times scratching on it, usually with that copy of "Rockit". Yes, I was scolded, spanked, or otherwise punished everytime she caught me, but that didn't stop me. I had ambition, dammit! (Or maybe I was just hard-headed. Whatever.) Hell, I even went as far as giving myself a DJ name: Grand Mixer C. (I know, I know. But if you ask your favorite DJ about his/her first choice, they'll tell you something just as corny, if not more corny.)

As time went by, Hip-Hop became a major distraction - well, that and the Thriller album. I began to hear and see televised performances from groups who had DJs I would come to idolize: Will "Fresh Prince" Smith had DJ Jazzy Jeff, Run-DMC had Jam Master Jay, LL Cool J had Cut Creator - the list goes on and on. Even a neighbor of ours was a DJ! But it would still be years before I got to live out my dream (partly because said neighbor wouldn't allow me to touch his equipment, either. Damn).

Fast-forward a few years: Sometime in the late 90s, I met a DJ who had no problems letting me try my hand at mixing and scratching. I don't think I took the lessons too seriously because I didn't believe, after so much time had passed (I was now in my mid-20s), that I would actually become a DJ. After a few months, the lessons stopped for reasons I don't really remember.

May, 2000: I went out to this slightly-bigger-than-a-hole-in-the-wall bar in New Orleans called the Audubon Hotel on St. Charles, not far from Lee Circle. A pretty low-class joint (at the time) considering its location, but good for cheap drinks and real Hip-Hop. Anyway, after a burst of Budweiser-induced courage, I asked the DJ if I could spin a few joints, and for whatever reason - maybe he was in desperate need of a restroom break - he said yes. What followed was the sonic equivalent of your average DJ trying to mix while tumbling down a flight of stairs - or at least that's how I heard it. However, a few songs later, the DJ (who we'll refer to from here on out as "DJ True") walked up and asked, "How come you didn't ask me to get on before?" Maybe he heard a good set, or maybe he just heard potential.

Nevertheless, after that night, things changed.

NEXT: The Music and the Madness

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Daily Show: "The 11/3 Project"

You can either call Glenn Beck "batshit crazy", or you can just show the world how batshit crazy he is by way of mockery. On Thursday's episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart opts for the latter.

WATCH:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The 11/3 Project
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Crisis

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Yet Another "Guess What Happened on Twitter?" Blog




I'm sure you know by now that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize early yesterday morning. And if you're a political junkie like I am, you also know that not every American was happy about it, including a fellow Twitter user who decided to vent his frustrations by way of the site:

what the FUCK did Obama win a Nobel Peace Prize for??? SMH


I answered his question by linking to a New York Times article that quotes Thorbjørn Jagland, the chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee:

"Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future," Jagland said. "We are not awarding the prize for what may happen in the future, but for what he has done in the previous year. We would hope this will enhance what he is trying to do."


As I said to the other guy, "the headline speaks for itself".

Then he hit me with this one:

FUCK OBAMA!!! and his peace prize and anyone who dont know he's a puppet for international banking cartels...


So basically, fuck America.

I asked him if he had proof of those claims, and he linked me to The Obama Deception, a YouTube documentary by Alex Jones - a documentary full of lies and half-truths that can be easily debunked by anyone with access to Google and basic reading comprehension skills. (Yes, I watched it.) Anyway, after posting a link to a blog that debunks the movie, he continues to quote lies from it in a series of tweets:

he borrowed $800 BILLION at HUGE interest from the Fed Res bank (owned by int. banking cartels) that ints. is UNREGULATED!


you dont get out of debt by borrowing more money, that we pay back at unregulated interest. JFK wanted to abolish the Fed Res!


And my favorite:

he could have printed that stimulus money thru the National Treasury, at no additional cost to the American people.


If it were that easy, the Great Depression would never have happened.

Anyway, while he was tweeting, I found an even more thorough debunking of the documentary (31 pages long, with over 400 references), and this is the thanks I got:

wow, some shit blog just changed my life. Obama's not a puppet for the N.W.O. the Fed Res is good, Big Brother is love...SMH


Now, I know a "shit blog" when I write see one, and that wasn't it - not with all of the research that went into it. I doubt he even bothered to read past its title.

But we weren't done. I responded with this:

I know the feeling. Some shit YouTube documentary changed my life, too. Hell, at least I watched the thing, man!


He decided to declare himself the winner of the debate with this one:

you spell five and four with a PH...yeah, im done debating with you...keep following blindly : )


Said the pot to the kettle.

Oh, and he was quite proud of himself for that jab at my username - so proud that he re-tweeted his own tweet - and added the word "SWISH" behind it. Yeah, you really got me with that one, pal.

And I always know I've outdone someone when they have to resort to insults, anyway.

I won't reveal his username here, but I will say that it's way more difficult to pronounce than mine. Also, I clicked the link to his site, and it turns out that he's a(n aspiring?) rapper - which means he'll probably record a song about me.

But here's the good news: No one will hear it.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Am I the Bill Cosby of Hip-Hop Fans?




You know, when I was a kid, my mom constantly questioned my love of Hip-Hop. One of her initial criticisms of the art form was that there was no singing involved; later, she was bothered by the strong language used by groups like NWA and the 2-Live Crew. (One of her favorite rap songs, however, was "The Message" by Grand Master Flash & the Furious Five.) OK, she had a point with the language thing - I mean, not many parents would willingly let their kids listen to songs like "Me So Horny" - but I didn't understand why she hated songs like "Paid In Full" or even "Rapper's Delight". I remember promising myself that no matter how old I got, I would never stop keeping up with current music. That promise is becoming more and more difficult to keep.

I still love Hip-Hop, but listing to the local Clear Channel-owned "Hip-Hop" station has become an exercise in futility. There are exceptions, but most of the songs are just unbearable. I hear almost no lyrical skill, no innovative beats, and even the song titles make me grimmace. ("Stanky Leg"? "Stanky Leg"?! Why not "Busy Leg"? "Shaky Leg"? "Restless Leg Syndrome"? But I digress.) When a friend asked me why I'm always so critical of mainstream Hip-Hop, I responded, "Because I'm tired of hearing it done wrong."

Not long after that conversation, I realized something: Bill Cosby and I have a lot in common.

I don't know what sparked it , but ever since that controversal "Pound Cake" speech, Dr. Cosby hasn't backed down from being critical of Black America when he believes it's warranted; ever since that whole "Jiggy" era, I haven't backed down from being critical of Hip-Hop when it's neccessary. Cosby often turns his listeners off with his bluntness; a friend once warned me that voicing my criticisms of Southern Hip-Hop could get me jumped. I know Cosby does what he does out of love and concern for Black people; I'm more concerned about Hip-Hop than I've never been. Cosby wants us to do right by ourselves and each other, and so do I. But I also want Hip-Hop to do right by its listeners.

But despite my criticisms, no matter how much shit I talk about it, no matter how many times I've wanted to shoot my TV like Elvis after seeing a whack-ass video, I do believe Hip-Hop will get better. It has to.

And when it does, I'll have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Life and Times of DJ Calculus: The Prologue



Ever since I started this blog, I've been wondering if I should tell more of my personal stories instead of just sharing my opinions on certain things - like politics and the current state of mainstream Hip-Hop. ("You're A Jerk"? Seriously, people?) But then I realized something: My personal life simply isn't all that exciting. Sure, I could bore you to tears with "That's when I realized my shoestrings were un-tied" stories, but I'd like to keep the two readers I have, thank you.

However, there was a time when my life was almost too exciting.

If you've ever read my "Tell Us About Yourself" survey on my MySpace profile, follow me on Twitter, read one of my previous blogs, or know me personally, you already know that I used to be a DJ. Interesting times - times I spent spinning vinyl, dancing (yes, dancing), drinking way too much Budweiser, and trying to get laid (something you should never do after drinking way too much Budweiser). I can honestly say it was the time of my life, something worth writing about.

So let this serve as an advertisment of sorts for an upcoming series on my last five years in New Orleans, which were spent doing something I wanted to do since I saw Herbie Hancock and Grand Mixer D.ST. (now DXT) perform "Rockit" on SNL, when I was twelve or thirteen. I'll talk about everything from how I got started doing it, my favorite (and least favorite) gigs, and how some bitch named Katrina took it all away. Also, you'll hear some now-embarrassing tales of drunken mayhem (at least the ones I can remember - it was drunken mayhem, after all). Stay tuned...

(I should also mention that these blogs may be slow in coming. My life may be boring, but I'm still a busy guy.)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Now THIS is a "WTF?!" Moment!

Normally, whenever I post a video in my blog, it's preceded by some sort of commentary (a fact both of my readers are well aware of). But nothing I say about this video - from tonight's Countdown with Keith Olbermann - can do it any justice. You'll just have to watch:

Sunday, June 7, 2009

...And In Other News, Hell Freezes Over

On Wednesday's edition of The O'Reilly Factor, Fox's resident douchebag himself accused CNN of undercovering the shooting of Army recruiter William Long. CNN's Rick Sanchez didn't take kindly to O'Reilly's, ahem, "misstatement", as seen in the following video:



Later on the Factor, O'Reilly does two things he almost never does: (1)He apologizes to CNN, and (2)he actually admits he was wrong!

WATCH:



You know what's amazing? Even as he admits his "mistake", O'Reilly still manages to get in a swipe at Sanchez. I guess anyone who proves him wrong is automatically "snide" and "surly".

O'Reilly promises a follow-up report on Monday. This should be interesting....