The Life and Times of DJ Calculus, Chapter One: Ambitions

(If you haven't already, you can check out the prologue here.)

I remember it like it was yesterday: when my oldest brother, an avid record collector at the time, came home with a copy of "The Adventures of Grandmaster Flash on the Wheels of Steel". It was one of the first times I had ever heard mixing, and the first time anyone had put out a record with scratching on it. I remember wondering what that sound was, thinking that Flash was intentionally moving the needle across the record (gimmie a break - I was eight years old). It's something I would have never tried, but I was still fascinated with the sound.

Some time later, my mom decided that she could trust me enough with the stereo equipment to actually let me play the records and not "let one of the older kids play it". (You can read about how my mom influenced my love of music here.) Maybe a year after that - I think I was twelve - my brother came home with Herbie Hancock's "Rockit", the song that brought scratching into the mainstream. I still didn't know how the sound was created until I saw Hancock and Grand Mixer D.ST. perform it on Saturday Night Live. My eyes were glued to the TV as D.ST. simply moved the record on the turntable back and forth, and I thought, That's all?!

That's when I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I'm sure I wasn't the only aspiring DJ who used their mom's record player as a learning tool of sorts. She caught me several times scratching on it, usually with that copy of "Rockit". Yes, I was scolded, spanked, or otherwise punished everytime she caught me, but that didn't stop me. I had ambition, dammit! (Or maybe I was just hard-headed. Whatever.) Hell, I even went as far as giving myself a DJ name: Grand Mixer C. (I know, I know. But if you ask your favorite DJ about his/her first choice, they'll tell you something just as corny, if not more corny.)

As time went by, Hip-Hop became a major distraction - well, that and the Thriller album. I began to hear and see televised performances from groups who had DJs I would come to idolize: Will "Fresh Prince" Smith had DJ Jazzy Jeff, Run-DMC had Jam Master Jay, LL Cool J had Cut Creator - the list goes on and on. Even a neighbor of ours was a DJ! But it would still be years before I got to live out my dream (partly because said neighbor wouldn't allow me to touch his equipment, either. Damn).

Fast-forward a few years: Sometime in the late 90s, I met a DJ who had no problems letting me try my hand at mixing and scratching. I don't think I took the lessons too seriously because I didn't believe, after so much time had passed (I was now in my mid-20s), that I would actually become a DJ. After a few months, the lessons stopped for reasons I don't really remember.

May, 2000: I went out to this slightly-bigger-than-a-hole-in-the-wall bar in New Orleans called the Audubon Hotel on St. Charles, not far from Lee Circle. A pretty low-class joint (at the time) considering its location, but good for cheap drinks and real Hip-Hop. Anyway, after a burst of Budweiser-induced courage, I asked the DJ if I could spin a few joints, and for whatever reason - maybe he was in desperate need of a restroom break - he said yes. What followed was the sonic equivalent of your average DJ trying to mix while tumbling down a flight of stairs - or at least that's how I heard it. However, a few songs later, the DJ (who we'll refer to from here on out as "DJ True") walked up and asked, "How come you didn't ask me to get on before?" Maybe he heard a good set, or maybe he just heard potential.

Nevertheless, after that night, things changed.

NEXT: The Music and the Madness

The Daily Show: "The 11/3 Project"

You can either call Glenn Beck "batshit crazy", or you can just show the world how batshit crazy he is by way of mockery. On Thursday's episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart opts for the latter.

WATCH:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The 11/3 Project
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

2009 BET Hip-Hop Awards: They Saved the Best Cypher for Last (VIDEO)

(via nahright.com)

Yet Another "Guess What Happened on Twitter?" Blog

I'm sure you know by now that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize early yesterday morning. And if you're a political junkie like I am, you also know that not every American was happy about it, including a fellow Twitter user who decided to vent his frustrations by way of the site:

what the FUCK did Obama win a Nobel Peace Prize for??? SMH

I answered his question by linking to a New York Times article that quotes Thorbjørn Jagland, the chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee:

"Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future," Jagland said. "We are not awarding the prize for what may happen in the future, but for what he has done in the previous year. We would hope this will enhance what he is trying to do."

As I said to the other guy, "the headline speaks for itself".

Then he hit me with this one:

FUCK OBAMA!!! and his peace prize and anyone who dont know he's a puppet for international banking cartels...

So basically, fuck America.

I asked him if he had proof of those claims, and he linked me to The Obama Deception, a YouTube documentary by Alex Jones - a documentary full of lies and half-truths that can be easily debunked by anyone with access to Google and basic reading comprehension skills. (Yes, I watched it.) Anyway, after posting a link to a blog that debunks the movie, he continues to quote lies from it in a series of tweets:

he borrowed $800 BILLION at HUGE interest from the Fed Res bank (owned by int. banking cartels) that ints. is UNREGULATED!

you dont get out of debt by borrowing more money, that we pay back at unregulated interest. JFK wanted to abolish the Fed Res!

And my favorite:

he could have printed that stimulus money thru the National Treasury, at no additional cost to the American people.

If it were that easy, the Great Depression would never have happened.

Anyway, while he was tweeting, I found an even more thorough debunking of the documentary (31 pages long, with over 400 references), and this is the thanks I got:

wow, some shit blog just changed my life. Obama's not a puppet for the N.W.O. the Fed Res is good, Big Brother is love...SMH

Now, I know a "shit blog" when I write see one, and that wasn't it - not with all of the research that went into it. I doubt he even bothered to read past its title.

But we weren't done. I responded with this:

I know the feeling. Some shit YouTube documentary changed my life, too. Hell, at least I watched the thing, man!

He decided to declare himself the winner of the debate with this one:

you spell five and four with a PH...yeah, im done debating with you...keep following blindly : )

Said the pot to the kettle.

Oh, and he was quite proud of himself for that jab at my username - so proud that he re-tweeted his own tweet - and added the word "SWISH" behind it. Yeah, you really got me with that one, pal.

And I always know I've outdone someone when they have to resort to insults, anyway.

I won't reveal his username here, but I will say that it's way more difficult to pronounce than mine. Also, I clicked the link to his site, and it turns out that he's a(n aspiring?) rapper - which means he'll probably record a song about me.

But here's the good news: No one will hear it.

Am I the Bill Cosby of Hip-Hop Fans?

You know, when I was a kid, my mom constantly questioned my love of Hip-Hop. One of her initial criticisms of the art form was that there was no singing involved; later, she was bothered by the strong language used by groups like NWA and the 2-Live Crew. (One of her favorite rap songs, however, was "The Message" by Grand Master Flash & the Furious Five.) OK, she had a point with the language thing - I mean, not many parents would willingly let their kids listen to songs like "Me So Horny" - but I didn't understand why she hated songs like "Paid In Full" or even "Rapper's Delight". I remember promising myself that no matter how old I got, I would never stop keeping up with current music. That promise is becoming more and more difficult to keep.

I still love Hip-Hop, but listing to the local Clear Channel-owned "Hip-Hop" station has become an exercise in futility. There are exceptions, but most of the songs are just unbearable. I hear almost no lyrical skill, no innovative beats, and even the song titles make me grimmace. ("Stanky Leg"? "Stanky Leg"?! Why not "Busy Leg"? "Shaky Leg"? "Restless Leg Syndrome"? But I digress.) When a friend asked me why I'm always so critical of mainstream Hip-Hop, I responded, "Because I'm tired of hearing it done wrong."

Not long after that conversation, I realized something: Bill Cosby and I have a lot in common.

I don't know what sparked it , but ever since that controversal "Pound Cake" speech, Dr. Cosby hasn't backed down from being critical of Black America when he believes it's warranted; ever since that whole "Jiggy" era, I haven't backed down from being critical of Hip-Hop when it's neccessary. Cosby often turns his listeners off with his bluntness; a friend once warned me that voicing my criticisms of Southern Hip-Hop could get me jumped. I know Cosby does what he does out of love and concern for Black people; I'm more concerned about Hip-Hop than I've never been. Cosby wants us to do right by ourselves and each other, and so do I. But I also want Hip-Hop to do right by its listeners.

But despite my criticisms, no matter how much shit I talk about it, no matter how many times I've wanted to shoot my TV like Elvis after seeing a whack-ass video, I do believe Hip-Hop will get better. It has to.

And when it does, I'll have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

The Life and Times of DJ Calculus: The Prologue

Ever since I started this blog, I've been wondering if I should tell more of my personal stories instead of just sharing my opinions on certain things - like politics and the current state of mainstream Hip-Hop. ("You're A Jerk"? Seriously, people?) But then I realized something: My personal life simply isn't all that exciting. Sure, I could bore you to tears with "That's when I realized my shoestrings were un-tied" stories, but I'd like to keep the two readers I have, thank you.

However, there was a time when my life was almost too exciting.

If you've ever read my "Tell Us About Yourself" survey on my MySpace profile, follow me on Twitter, read one of my previous blogs, or know me personally, you already know that I used to be a DJ. Interesting times - times I spent spinning vinyl, dancing (yes, dancing), drinking way too much Budweiser, and trying to get laid (something you should never do after drinking way too much Budweiser). I can honestly say it was the time of my life, something worth writing about.

So let this serve as an advertisment of sorts for an upcoming series on my last five years in New Orleans, which were spent doing something I wanted to do since I saw Herbie Hancock and Grand Mixer D.ST. (now DXT) perform "Rockit" on SNL, when I was twelve or thirteen. I'll talk about everything from how I got started doing it, my favorite (and least favorite) gigs, and how some bitch named Katrina took it all away. Also, you'll hear some now-embarrassing tales of drunken mayhem (at least the ones I can remember - it was drunken mayhem, after all). Stay tuned...

(I should also mention that these blogs may be slow in coming. My life may be boring, but I'm still a busy guy.)

Now THIS is a "WTF?!" Moment!

Normally, whenever I post a video in my blog, it's preceded by some sort of commentary (a fact both of my readers are well aware of). But nothing I say about this video - from tonight's Countdown with Keith Olbermann - can do it any justice. You'll just have to watch:

...And In Other News, Hell Freezes Over

On Wednesday's edition of The O'Reilly Factor, Fox's resident douchebag himself accused CNN of undercovering the shooting of Army recruiter William Long. CNN's Rick Sanchez didn't take kindly to O'Reilly's, ahem, "misstatement", as seen in the following video:



Later on the Factor, O'Reilly does two things he almost never does: (1)He apologizes to CNN, and (2)he actually admits he was wrong!

WATCH:



You know what's amazing? Even as he admits his "mistake", O'Reilly still manages to get in a swipe at Sanchez. I guess anyone who proves him wrong is automatically "snide" and "surly".

O'Reilly promises a follow-up report on Monday. This should be interesting....

Examination of a Meme: Make That Money!

As a former DJ who considers himself "a Hip-Hop aficionado"; someone who doesn't take the art form lightly; someone who more than likely has better taste in music than you do (I'm just sayin'), it bothers me to hear fans defend today's music. I suppose I should get with the program and "stop hatin'" - I mean, things have changed, as they always do - but damn it, it's just not that easy for me.

Here's what happened: A few months ago on Twitter, I said that the Burger King commercial Darius Rucker did a few years ago led to the "downfall" of his career. (I know "Hootie" isn't a rapper, but you'll see where I'm going with this. Just bear with me.) I was half-joking, but minutes later, I get a reply from a troll Rucker fan who doesn't even follow me: "So you're saying it's not OK to do a commercial and get paid?" I responded, "No, but it's a bad commercial, in my opinion."

Earlier today, I saw all kinds of tweets in my timeline from people, mostly women, who were talking excitedly about Soulja Boy Tell'Em's appearance on the View. Now I didn't say anything, but I did re-tweet another user who basically said he wouldn't turn his television on since he knew Soulja Boy was going to be on it. Seconds later, a fan/defender says something to the effect of the following: "Stop Hatin'! He's making his money!"

See, that's what I'm talking about. Nowadays you can defend anything as long as you remind the naysayer of any financial gain. Lawyers could have a field day with this: "Yes, Your Honor, my client did indeed supply the drugs that caused the victim's overdose. But he should be found 'not guilty' because he did make money off of the deal. The prosecution is just hating."

The point I'm making is this: I can give you a list of reasons why I think Rakim is the greatest rapper ever, or why I affectionately refer to my favorite producer as "Lord Premier". But if you list any variation of "he's making his money!" as one of the reasons why you like a certain rapper, it will be almost impossible for me to consider you a true Hip-Hop fan. I'm just sayin'.

The Listening: A Few of My Mom's Favorite Songs

As of this writing, Mother's Day is just hours away. A joyous occasion for most of you, it's the day you show appreciation for the woman who gave you life by showering her with flowers, cards, gifts, and maybe by taking her out for lunch or dinner - or better yet, maybe you'll do the cooking. But it's not exactly the happiest day for me.

Because tomorrow is also the 18th anniversary of my mother's passing.

One thing I inherited from Mom is a love for music. She had quite a collection of 45s and albums that I wasn't even allowed to touch until I was about 12 or 13 years old. It was probably a good decision on her part; it was around that time when I learned how to scratch and cut, using the volume knob as a cross fader. I got an ass whipping every time she caught me doing it. (And you know what? I still wouldn't change a thing. I would go on to become a DJ from 2000 to 2005 partly because of it.)

My mom had little tolerance for the music of the 80's. She would always say things about music not sounding like it used to. I get a feeling that if she was still here, she would hate today's music even more. Lord knows I do (with a few exceptions). I swear, every time I complain aloud to no one in particular about songs that actually have the word "stanky" in the title, it reminds me of her complaining about songs with no singing in it. "It's not even music! 'Hip-hop, hippity-hip-hop'? What are they talking about?" (She did like a few rap songs, though. Three are included below.)

So if you'll indulge me, I would like to share a few of her favorite songs here. I think of her everytime I hear these (including "A Song for Momma", released a few years after her passing), and I know she is somewhere listening and smiling - and when appropriate, dancing.

I love you, Mom. (Monday, January 31, 1944 - Sunday, May 12, 1991)

Rachel Maddow, and the GOP's Fear Mongering

If there's one thing we know about the Republican Party, it's the fact that they love to scare the living shit out of the citizens of this nation. It's a fact that's certainly not lost on MSNBC's (and Air America's) Rachel Maddow, who not only criticizes the GOP's latest attempt to make us lose control of our excrement, but also shows the absurdity of that attempt through parody.

WATCH:

The Day the Word "Swagga" Jumped the Shark

There comes a time when words, phrases or gestures lose their coolness. When Paris Hilton, for example, trademarked the phrase "That's Hot", I knew it was time to stop using it - not because I feared a copyright infringement lawsuit, mind you (although part of me hopes Ms. Hilton didn't just become my third reader), it's just that when certain words go mainstream, they lose their impact.

Well, thanks to CNN's T.J. Holmes and (especially) Kira Phillips, we can now bury "swagga" in the slang graveyard.

WATCH:




At this point, I just hope CNN doesn't decide to air a special report called "Is It Still Trickin' If You Got It?"

Republicans, You're Making This Too Easy

Last night, I had an interesting confrontation with a fellow Twitter user over this "Tea Party" protest that Republicans and Conservatives are planning on April 15th. He had gotten angry with me for re-tweeting a post by another user featuring the above picture, which he called "crass". And you know what? It is pretty crass. But when Republicans and conservatives say things like this...



...Then you should expect Democrats and Liberals - especially Rachel Maddow and Ana Marie Cox - to have a little fun with it.



Bravo, ladies. Bravo.

The Listening: Lil Wayne, "Tie My Hands"

If you follow me on Twitter, or pay any attention to my MySpace status updates, you know one thing about me if nothing else: I am not a Lil Wayne fan (and I'm from New Orleans!). I've called his music "whack", and I've repeatedly said his skills are "criminally overrated". But like the old saying goes, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day".

Yes, I know the song is kinda old, but I didn't even pay it any attention until Wayne performed it at the 2009 Grammys a couple of months ago. And while it's not enough to turn me into a fan, it is enough to make me stop criticizing him.

For a while.

Don't Bother Blago... Yet

Did you hear what that guy said? Leave him alone "until he's convicted". Not unless, "until". I guess he really is someone who knows.

"Aren't you Dave Chappelle?": Celebrities People Say I Look Like

It happens at least once a month. I'll be at the supermarket, the laundromat, or a fast food restaurant - it's even happened at work - and out of nowhere some random person, usually female, will look at me and say a sentence that starts with my four least favorite words: "You look just like...!" What usually follows is a mad dash home from my errand, me dropping whatever I have with me at the front door, and running to the bathroom mirror to stare at it for 45 minutes or so while repeating, "I LOOK ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE...!" - or, on the rarest of occasions, "Oh, OK. I see the resemblance".

Now sometimes I'm flattered by the comments ("Taye Diggs? Really?"); other times, well, not so much ("Jimmy Walker?! Man fuck you!"). Nevertheless, I'd like to present my readers - both of you - with a partial list of celebrities people have claimed I resemble. Enjoy the show.

DAVE CHAPPELLE. This is the one I get most frequently, and the one I take the least offense to. I certaintly don't mind getting "mistaken" for one of the most brilliant comedians out there, but it would be nicer if I had his talent - and bank account. Oh well, one can dream.

RAY NAGIN. Ah, Ray Nagin. The New Orleans mayor who made a multitude of mistakes in his response to Hurricane Katrina. The man who made those infamous "Chocolate City" comments. The man whose head is so damn shiny, it makes me want to buff mine with Turtle Wax. But my female friends back home have said that they find him attractive, so I guess looking like him isn't really a bad thing. Being like him, however, would suck.

RAKIM. Here's what happened: About four years ago I was at home practicing on my turntables. (I lost my equipment and record collection due to Katrina. But that's a whole 'nother blog.) I had the cover of Rakim's album, The Master, in view when my then-roommate's friend walked in to listen. She saw the cover, did a double-take, and said, "Oh, my God - I thought that was a picture of you!" So what if she was probably high when she said it? Being told I look like the greatest MC of all time was still flattering.

THAT BUFFOON FROM THOSE "JOE BOXER" COMMERCIALS. You remember Vaughn Lowery, don't you? He's the guy who gained 15 minutes of fame for shuffling around on national television while wearing nothing but drawers and a shit-eating, "Yessa, boss!" grin. He's also the grandson of Dr. Joseph E. Lowery, who co-founded the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC) with Martin Luther King, Jr. I find that fact quite ironic, because whenever one of those 30-second minstrel shows aired, I'd swear I could hear the voices of all the men and women who fought and died for civil rights yell "AW, COME ON, MAN!" from their graves in unison. A woman - my sister-in-law, no less! - said I looked like him; if a guy had said it, I might have punched him. (Great. Now the civil rights leaders who preached non-violence are yelling at me from their graves.)

(Originally posted on MySpace on July 24, 2008)

I Playa Hate, Therefore I Am

I should be writing about a more serious matter.

It should have taken something like the election of our first African-American president to motivate me to post my first real blog since July. It should have taken a personal victory - as of today I have been sober for eight months and three weeks - to give me the inspiration I needed to finally sit down and speak to my faithful readers (both of you). But no, it isn't that serious - at least not to me. I wish everyone felt that way.

It all started on Twitter, a micro-blogging site where users post short messages ("tweets") for all of their friends ("followers") to see. (I shouldn't even have to explain this. Even if you don't have a Twitter profile, you've undoubtedly heard of it.) I signed up on Thanksgiving 2008; I've been hopelessly addicted ever since. Anyway, one of my good online friends, someone I "met" in 2006 by way of a Boondocks fan forum, also has a Twitter profile. (She also has profiles on other social networking sites, including MySpace.) Since we have always been able to build on a number of topics - music and politics in particular - following her tweets was a no-brainer. The favor was returned almost immediately.

Sometime last week, I "re-tweeted" a post by another user concerning what is now known as the "Un-follow Diddy" movement. I never even followed him, but when someone decides to diss the man I once called "the Agent Smith of Hip-Hop" so publicly, they'll get props from me in the form of a re-tweet. Well, my friend, who knows how fearless I am when it comes to criticizing those artists who I believe are hurting Hip-Hop (more on that later), didn't take kindly to the re-tweet. Not only did she tweet her dismay to the movement (both publicly and to me directly), not only did she start following Diddy "in spite of" the movement, she also stopped following me on Twitter and deleted herself from my MySpace friends list.

Really?

I've posted way more controversial tweets, but she decided to end a friendship over this?

SERIOUSLY?!

But you know what, I'm not going to resort to name-calling like I would if I was still a hopelessly loud drunkard. However, I would like to address one of the names I was called in her most recent MySpace blog - "Playa Hata" - and why I actually consider it a compliment.

I've been listening to Hip-Hop ever since I was eight years old. Throughout those 29 years of my life I've come to care for the art form as if it was a dear friend. And whenever I thought it was headed in the wrong direction, I said so fearlessly: When Vanilla Ice released "Ice Ice Baby", a lot of Hip-Hop fans (and artists) thought it was whack, and we said so publicly and fearlessly.

But sometime in the late 90s, whackness figured out a way to better market and promote itself, earning it more airplay and acceptance than ever before. It was also around that time that whackness coined a new phrase in an attempt to combat any criticism it encountered - player hater.

To most, a player hater is someone who doesn't have the success or possessions someone else has, and instead of trying to get it for himself, he jealously criticizes the other person for having it. (I actually agree with that definition.) But most whack rappers use the phrase toward any fan/artist who dared to criticize them for, well, being whack. And out of fear of being called a hater (as Black Star stated on "Hater Players", posted above), some fans and artists kept criticism of whackness to themselves.

I, however, never bit my tongue. And I never will. There are a whole bunch of rappers nowadays - Plies, Rick Ross, and 50 Cent, just to name a few - who I believe are criminally over-rated. There are trends - AutoTune, for example - that I think have long out-lived its usefulness (if it ever had any). The current lack of lyrical creativity is, in my opinion, destroying Hip-Hop. And I care too much about the music and culture to just sit back and say nothing. If that makes me a player hater, then so be it.

One final note: The sad irony is that the friend I lost always said I should blog more often.

Maybe I should thank her.